What does my heart desire?

I think my endless desire to cook, my need to potter in the kitchen, my capacity to always be dirtying dishes comes from me never quite knowing what I am hungry for.

You know that feeling when you’re definitely a little peckish and you think you fancy something sweet so you go to the fridge, grab a couple of chunks of chocolate and settle back into the sofa.  Aforementioned chocolate having been devoured, a few minutes later, you’re sitting there and that nagging feeling comes back.  You are not quite satisfied.  What is this unnamed ‘thing’ that I so long for but yet cannot seem to make real? 

I hate this feeling.  It is something I am constantly battling with, this is my thought process when I’m having these quandaries… 

Mmm, chicken, maybe we should have roast chicken for dinner, oh yeah, roast chicken with a lovely light tarragon and white wine sauce, oh and I can save a thigh and have it cold tomorrow with japanese mayonnaise and too much sea salt, or maybe that nice oriental chicken salad I made that time we went to that picnic, although I don’t know if I have any sesame seeds but a nice  green curry would be quite fresh, hmm, not sure if Mr T will feel like curry on such a hot day, maybe I could just make a really quick pasta with loads of fresh vegetables and lots of chilli and herbs from the garden, or maybe, or maybe…..   And so it continues, round and round. 

Who would have thought that choosing the evening meal could be so complicated!  I’m exhausted just thinking about it.  I often get these feelings late at night, when I’ve already had dinner.  This is what made me sit and write this blog post, I am having one of those moments right now.  It is 10pm, Mr T is out and about, I’ve already made myself lamb steak and salad but I want something else.  I wanted to make a cake when I got home but didn’t have enough butter (a rare occurrence, butter courses through my veins) and I wanted to make rice pudding for the second time this week but didn’t have the energy so I had to settle for chocolate.  So, after about 12 chunks of chocolate turkish delight, I am still not satisfied and feeling a little queasy so I’ve moved onto the wonder that is a McVities digestive biscuit with milk chocolate.  Oh, how they remind me of home…  I dunk them in tea, I scoff them straight up, I eat far too many at once!  They pretty much sustained me through my third year at university. 

They’ve filled a gap and sitting here now, listening to music, drinking hot tea and watching the super moon, life seems pretty good.  I think that endless hunger is simply desire; to feel full, to try new things, to create new experiences through flavour but mostly I think it is comfort that we desire.  Tea and choccy biccies aren’t quite the same as a hug from my Sis but they’ll have to do for now. 

What will tomorrow bring?  Probably some spiced fruit toast, or maybe I could use the fruit toast and turn it into french toast and I could spike the egg mix with some chai tea infused milk or maybe, or maybe…

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1 Comment

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One response to “What does my heart desire?

  1. amanda smith

    Gorgeous blog – and you have made me feel really homesick for family too!
    Sometimes food just doesnt fill the emptiness!! xx

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